Having a baby, and having chronic pain

Every now and then (Now. Right now.), I am struck with how much my life is going to change in nine months. It’s hard to believe I’m going to be a mother; particularly hard since, as I am only approx. three weeks pregnant, my body has yet to feel the ravaging effects of growing a new life. Right now, I’m only experiencing little glimpses, which in themselves have been enough to make me want to say, “Hey, wait a minute, that’s not what I signed up for!”

It’s hard to believe I am going to be somebody's mother. I am going to be somebody’s mother. Since when did I qualify to be somebody’s mother? I fear there may have been a lapse in cosmic judgment. I wondered for so long if it were even a possibility for me to be a biological mother. For most of my life, I just assumed it wasn’t, being as I have Epilepsy and Fibromyalgia. Well, turns out it’s quite possible. Now, where can I find a book called, What to Expect when You’re Expecting, When Your Body Already Hates You On a Good Day?

Somewhere, between my bewilderment and jaw-clenching anxiety, I am happy, even elated. I picture myself amongst the smug-looking Santa Cruz mamas, strolling through the Farmer’s Market with their newborns swaddled in slings like sleepy, angelic fashion accessories. One hand cradles the baby’s head, the other gropes a bushel of fresh Kale or holds the leash of a Labrador. Those mothers always have the same look about them, like they are present and walking through a crowd of people, yet somehow far away. Lost in the land of Motherhood.

So far, my pregnancy has been treating me pretty well. In fact, I’d say it’s pretty darned good. Quite the opposite of what I expected, and in some ways, I even feel a little bit better than I did before. Where my tailbone and hips used to be so sore and inflamed from Fibro that it hurt to walk, I’m now miraculously fine in that area, and I’ve actually been able to walk so much that my  legs and derriere have shaped up a little. Although, really, it feels like the weight has just shifted from my lower body to my upper body, and that pesky knot between my shoulder blades from growing womanhood can sometimes make things difficult. My Fibromyalgia affects me, like most people living with it, mostly by amplifying the sensation of pain; so a knot in my back can feel like a knife in my back (Not to say a knot lodged in any area of your body is pain-free, Fibro or no). Since pregnancy is universally understood to be a painful experience, I’ve been holding my breath and enjoying the days until bed rest. However, my step Mom (Who, coincidentally, also lives with Fibro), told me a story of a woman she knows who has terrible arthritis and had several children. Apparently, during all her pregnancies, this woman felt the best she’d ever felt in her life. Perhaps it will go the same way with me? Could pregnancy be the best source of relief from chronic pain? Something tells me it might not be that simple, but a mama-to-be can dream.