Growing with change

I am going to be a mother, something I thought I would never be able to do. I have wanted to have a baby with Husband so badly, and now that the opportunity is here, it feels a little unreal. Suddenly, a whole new world of beauty and fear has opened up to me. I’m finally pregnant- will I be able to keep my baby? It seems all anybody wants to tell me about is their miscarriage, or their sister’s miscarriage, or their friend’s miscarriage.

At one point, I felt suffocated with fear of losing the baby, and ran out of the house to escape my own thoughts. Outside, watching the lagoon, was a girl about my age. I stood beside her, and commented on the beauty of the water and the godzilla fish that lurked beneath the surface, sometimes breaching like whales. Mindless chatting helped, and soon I was able to feel my budding hysteria subside. The girl told me about herself. She had recently been hit by a car while riding her bike, and her friend was fixing it while she wandered the lagoon. She was homeless, jobless, and broke. She had recently lost her fiancee, and her baby.

“I don’t know why I’m telling you all this.” She said, shaking her head. I stopped her.
“You said you’d recently lost a baby?”

I told her my situation, the reason I, myself, was wandering beside the calm water. Listening to her story made me so grateful for everything I had. A loving husband, a home of our own, a job that I love. The girl told me she believed she’d lost her baby because, inwardly, she wasn’t ready to be a mother. She told me to have faith, that we manifest our destiny. She gave me a hug, and we walked away in opposite directions. Though I invited her for dinner at my place any time she was hungry, I don’t think I’ll ever see her again; but I’ll never forget her. I left the lagoon feeling strangely calm and confident, and gave my water bottle away to a thirsty stranger because it felt right. It was an act of faith.

Husband pointed out that my defense mechanism of choice was to assume and focus on the worst. Perhaps inwardly, I believe that if I reject happiness before it rejects me, I won’t be hurt or disappointed by life. However, extending that kind of energy to the Universe will only recycle back to me, a series of unfortunate self-fulfilling prophecies.

For now, I’ll enjoy being pregnant. I am grateful for every moment I am pregnant, and if I miscarry tomorrow, I will be grateful that I got to experience pregnancy in the first place. Or, at least, I’ll try.